A Step-By-Step Guide to Getting Kicked Out of Your Hotel

We have spent the last eight out of ten days living in the Hampton Inn of Franklin, Kentucky. It's less fun than it sounds. In fact, I'm fairly certain that we are going to be asked to leave rather unceremoniously before our tenure here is up... As such, I am providing you with a comprehensive guide to just that: getting kicked out of your hotel in one week or less. 

Things you will need:
Small children, preferably those under the age of four. Very important and the fundamental basis to getting kicked out.

And that about exhausts the list.

Steps (in no particular order):

1. Be sure to bring small children with you on said hotel stay. Sure it would be 100 times more awesome to go to the hotel on your own or with a significant other. Sadly, this drastically decreases your chances of being asked to vacate, therefore making this article all but useless to you. 

2. Make sure one of the small children has a mostly harmless but incessantly bleeding injury prior to occupying hotel room. For instance. Have child trip over feet and scratch elbow in a Dairy Queen parking lot about an hour from the final destination. Such a small injury is hardly life-threatening but will bleed from now until the rapture. This small cut will be nearly unnoticeable to you, the maybe not-so-observant parent. Small child will then proceed to bleed all over what used to be a pristine white duvet cover, making it look like you beat child upon arrival. Congratulations. You are now well on your way to being evicted. 

3. Take shower immediately upon learning smallest child has "fallen asleep." Why wait to be sure that the child has definitely fallen asleep when you can jump the gun, ensuring for maximum screaming duration and volume? If you haven't taken a shower to the piercing sound of a screaming four-month-old, you're just missing out on all the best things in life. Such a joy is only rightly shared with every other guest on the second floor. 

4. Take small children to breakfast. Not only will they spill everything and destroy the hotel lobby, but they will also provide a delightful medley of crying, screaming, laughing, and choking that will more or less dissuade every other guest from completing his/her meal, leaving you alone with your children and devoid of any adult contact entirely. Because spending a week alone in a hotel room with said small children is hardly solitary enough. 

5. Be sure that one or preferably both children pees on some article of the hotel room furnishings. I am positive that nothing pleases housekeeping more than having to clean up after the bodily functions of visiting children.

6. Make sure that at least one of your children screams and/or cries in one or all of the hotel's common spaces. Such spaces include but are not limited to the lobby, breakfast area, swimming pool, laundry room, vending area, and, most importantly, elevators and connecting hallways. To maximize effectiveness, make sure screaming commences during peak times. Midnight. Dawn. Any time really.

7. Last, but not least, my personal favorite: Take enough food from the complimentary breakfast offerings to last you until dinner. I'm talking mini cereals, wee yogurts, muffins, fruit, bagels. The whole kit and caboodle. If you take a couple of slices of bread, make sure to grab a hearty handful of the peanut butter and jelly packets to go along with it. Kids can't live off of the ten packages of saltines you swiped from the Cracker Barrel the night before. Consider dragging the stroller along with you to breakfast to really maximize your foraging potential. The small shelf under the stroller can get loaded down quickly, so for the best results, carry the child and fill the seat as well. 

Good luck, everyone. God-willing, we will be in our apartment by early next week...

J.